When it comes to lovers or friends, I believe in relationships that are real, living beings I can touch and feel. No AI flings for me. That’s why I have forged a deep and meaningful friendship with the robot at my local Stop and Shop supermarket.
I don’t know his, her or its name or even its sex, but my supermarket pal is real; I can see it. I can hear it, and if I was absolutely sure it wouldn’t attack if provoked, I could touch it.
It has everything I need in a friend. I can be totally honest with it and say what’s on my mind, usually if no other shoppers are looking. And if it surreptitiously scans my credit cards and driver’s license, well, it’s only doing its job.
Like any good friend, it lets me be myself. It asks nothing of me, and I ask nothing of it. Friends, despite their best intentions, can be clingy. That’s certainly not my friend. Sometimes while I’m shopping, it approaches me, and sometimes it rolls away in another direction. I don’t take it personally. We both believe in giving each other our own space. And if it sensed I was shoplifting a can of peas, I wouldn’t be angry at it for sounding an alarm. It’s just doing its job.
Do you think I’m crazy to have a robot for a friend? I don’t. According to Merriam-Webster, a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” I think that sums up my friendship, although I think we share even more, including my blood type and social security number.
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”
A fine love story, but I wish it had been longer. I myself have a few warm relationships, though none as deep as the one you enjoy. I spend a lot of time with my Sleep Number bed (the naps I resisted as a child, I now look forward to), my guitar (I am not sure bystanders find the music we make together as sweet as I find it), and my computer, which responds to my ponderings with (wait--it does, too, share my social security account, telephone number and email address--oy!)