Generic Advice Column Answers
Have you considered becoming an advice columnist, but then thought, “How could I think of solutions to readers’ never-ending problems?” Fear not. Here are some answers that cover just about everything.
You need to get into counseling.
Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires extra effort. If you can’t afford airline tickets, consider flying as freight.
It may never be easy for her to accept you dressing as a woman. Try meeting her half way; go with a more butch look.
Your dog needs to relax. Try rubbing his belly.
Your husband needs to relax. Try rubbing his belly.
Sending a wedding gift is not necessary if the bride’s family deported you to Guatemala.
You really need to get some more counseling.
It’s unreasonable to ask your wife to remove tattoos of her old boyfriends’ names – especially if she took the time to list them in alphabetical order.
You’ll never have peace in your house as long as your mother-in-law is living with you. Have you considered moving her into a tastefully decorated storage facility?
Being a bad cook is no excuse for ending a relationship. Insisting you buy your own stomach pump is.
You are not responsible for other people’s life decisions, even if you were driving the getaway car.
If your 88-year-old husband won’t stop chasing women, put a Denver boot on his wheel chair.
It’s never too late to find love and companionship. In fact, many people have found rich and rewarding lives with inflatable soulmates.
Unfortunately, in this superficial day and age, there are people who can’t get past a sudden 600-pound weight gain.
You most definitely need to get even more counseling.
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”